Sometimes art is prepping for football, whether that’s making gluten-free cornbread for your chili, or stitching up your fellow ginger’s jersey. Whatever it may be, I hope you plan to wear those victory curls and saddle shoes. Because I definitely do.
One of my favorite, I mean favorite, things to know is Paul Gauguin died alone from syphilis. Like, BOOM!, karma exists.
Turns out, some CLOWN wants to smash my joy in this knowledge. Four teeth surfaced during archaeological dig more than a decade ago, and were quickly attributed to be that of a European male. Here’s the kicker: They were buried in a well behind the site of Gauguin’s Maori-style hut, which he called “La maison du jouir”, or House of Pleasure. OY.
So, back to this clown researcher! Apparently, he or she didn’t find any traces of mercury which ALLEGEDLY means Gauguin didn’t have syphilis. Cool. Let me guess: this is when you tell me Santa isn’t real.
But here’s the kicker, part 2: An art historian gave the teeth back to the mayor of Gauguin’s final home, Atuona, at OF ALL PLACES, on board the PAUL GAUGUIN cruise ship!
I Googled Paul Gauguin today. Here’s what I found:
CRUISES?! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Is this a JOKE?! You’re absolutely kidding me. So much for not swearing as a resolution in 2015. Or giving up hating Gauguin.
According to their website, you can:
Enjoy your meals at your leisure at stellar, onboard restaurants, and spend your evenings relaxing and enjoying entertainment in our lounge. Whether you choose to indulge your body, mind, or spirit, you’re sure to find an activity to match your passion on The Gauguin
I hope they give out syphilis as part of the greeting package. And a part of an ear. But mostly the syphilis.
The Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1911. Right off the wall. Some guy named Vincenzo Peruggia hid it in a closet, then walked off with it under his smock. Two years later, he wrote a letter to the director of Florence’s Uffizi Gallery saying he had the painting. He signed the letter “Leonardo.” He didn’t want France to be celebrated for housing an Italian work.
I guess I feel that way about clothes I can’t afford, but you can’t just go around stealing the things you want, Vinny! Look at Winona (don’t worry, girl, Wino Forever).
TIME published an article of the Most Expensive things ever purchased, and I have to admit I totally bombed it. Here are a few things I thought I knew, but actually don’t know at all. The kicker here is, I asked my mom’s predictions about this list, and it turns out she is total comedy gold.
Most Expensive Painting
I guessed: Giacometti’s Walking Man I, which sold for $104.1 million in 2010
My mom said: “van Gogh. Because. That ear thing.”
Actually: Picasso’s Nudes with Green Leaves and Bust
Most Expensive Lock of Hair
I guessed: Lincoln
My mom said, “I’m going with the Lindbergh baby.”
Actually: Elvis
Most Expensive Car
I guessed: Kennedy’s presidential limo
My mom said: “James Bond’s Aston Martin.”
Actually: Some Ferrari, but hello, look at how gorgeous Sean Connery is! He’s like McNulty.
Most Expensive Piece of Clothing
I guessed that Audrey Hepburn dress from Breakfast at Tiffany’s
My mom said: “That crazy Wizard of Oz costume. Or something Chanel.”
Actually: Marilyn Monroe’s dress (apparently this category doesn’t feature costumes. YEESH.)
The LINDBERGH BABY, MOM??! Easily the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
Sometimes art is a spectacular supernova explosion. I want everything about this picture for my life in 2015: big, bright, beautiful, and seen from 11.2 million light-years from Earth.
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