Tag Archives: mallory ortberg

terrible time at parties

Still waiting on the job offer, Mallory. I’m just. still. waiting. Make your life whole and read the rest of her post, “Women Having a Terrible Time at Parties” here.

party3

 

maybe if i keep covering more of my face with my hands
he’ll forget i’m here
and go away

party1

 what’s wrong
nothing’s wrong
nothing’s wrong exactly
don’t you like the flowers
the flowers are fine
i guess i just thought there’d be more
more than the flowers we have blanketing the party?
its fine i guess these are enough
i guess its fine if you dont really care about flowers

party4

hi hey
what are you doing over here all by yourself
i’m just
enjoying the view 
but you’re facing the wrong way
you’re not facing the party
you can’t even see me talking to you
i know

party2

EXCUSE ME
YEAH HI EXCUSE ME
CAN WE HELP YOU
YEAH IS THERE SOME WAY WE CAN HELP YOU OVER HERE
THIS BED IS FOR TWO PEOPLE
YOU’RE MAKING US BE THREE PEOPLE AND WE DON’T WANT THAT

 

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spectacular hats

Mallory Ortberg is actually like my Winged Nike of Samothrace. But with a head. And a beautiful, hilarious brain.

hat

oh you do go on
tell me what else you like about my hat

hat1

 

so many places to wear the hat
so many enemies to show up

hat3

 

i don’t need to smile with a hat like this

hat2

 

the hat was dyed in the blood of other, lesser hats

 

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unhappy mothers

I don’t know what more I can say at this point, Mallory. I’m over this waiting. Just talk to me. Hire me. Work with me. Just actually over-this-so-I’ll-just-stand-at-your-locker-in-the-hallway-during-school over it. Yep. Tapping my Keds-encased toes and everything.

Read the remaining gems of “Unhappy Mothers” here.
 
unhappy

 

don’t say a word
i wasn’t even saying anything
great
just keep on doing that then

unhappy2

just because i’m dead and in a painting
doesn’t mean i’m not still disappointed in all of you

unhappy3

well
here it is
my life’s work

unhappy4

can you move a little bit to the right so we can get more of the boy
what boy
him?
i don’t think we need him in this picture

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women who want to be alone

Please, please, pleaaaaseeeeee, Mallory Ortberg?!! Just hire me already.

Read the entire series “Women Who Want to be Alone” here.

women1

i have my needlework
and my secrets

women2

ahh i would love to stay and go out with you 
i would love that 
so much
but i have to keep running away from you 
sorry 
😦 
how did you say 😦 out loud like that
idk sorry cant stop running away tho!!

 

women3

 

ahh sorryyyy
sorry my arms are trees now 
what’s that, can’t hear you, arms are trees

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unsatisfied women

I decided there’s no better way to start a Tuesday than to share another one of Mallory Ortberg’s masterpieces. Read the full article here

mallory11

i like dont want to be rude or anything
but me and this dog are kind of hanging out right now
so

mallory22

 

this isn’t really doing it for me anymore
do you want me to tell them to dance faster
no
i want them to dance better
jesus
this is a nightmare
i didnt say stop

mallory33

 

youre the only one i can trust
you and this leopard skin on the floor
the only ones i can trust

Mallory Ortberg, just hang out with me already.

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center stage will always be art

Every single thing Mallory Ortberg has written, like, already has my wit and humor. Can you let me get a word in, Mallory?! You’re just too quick for me! Like, take this whole “Scenes from Zoe Saldana Movies that have Center Stage Quotes Instead” piece. Like, get out of my head. This movie will forever have Shawshank Syndrome for me, no matter what I have going on or who I’m about to see.

Read this article in its glorious entirety here.

zoe5 zoe1 zoe2 zoe3 zoe4

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women not smiling

WHY did I just find out that Mallory Ortberg put a “NOW HIRING” post on the Toast earlier this month!? Sheesh. I would be totally perfect for this job, Mal!

Still loving your work, girlfriend, so here goes another one. Read the entire post “Women Who Are Not Having a Great Time in Art History” here.

mallory1

no don’t stop now
we’re both so fascinated

checkers

do we really all have to be here for this
oh good question
i don’t know
what’s the only checkers rule that we have in this house
dad
please
WHAT’S THE ONLY CHECKERS RULE THAT WE HAVE IN THIS HOUSE
the checkers rule is that we all have t–
THE ONLY CHECKERS RULE IS THAT WHEN I WANT TO PLAY CHECKERS EVERYBODY PLAYS CHECKERS

christchild

 

i don’t like you

 

No, really, Mallory — please hire me. I know I’m a week late, but it’s part of the charm, promise.

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women ignoring men

Let my Mallory Ortberg obsession continue…

Read the full article, “Art History: 500 Years of Women Ignoring Men,” here.

mallory 4

“Oh, my God, Tess, don’t encourage him. You’re terrrrrible.”

“No, I’m serious! That was so good! Can you play another one? You’re, like, really good at this.”

mallory 5

“I would love to go out tonight but I’m…I’m dying.” [coughs weakly into handkerchief]

“Oh, my God.”

“Yeah. It’s consumption, so.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s fine.”

“I will stay and nurse you.”

“No, you won’t.”

mallory 6

“Hi, sorry, this is a women-only balcony.”

“Women’s balcony, sorry.”

“Male balcony’s over there, this balcony is all-women, sorry!”

 

 

 

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normal moments

Remember that time yesterday when I discovered Mallory Ortberg? Well, I’m about to develop a love for her that is similar to Suri’s Burn Book for Kiernan Shipka. And her posts continue to bring sparkle and hilarity to this domain, so I say, let it shine.

mallory 1

what dead girl 

i don’t even know what you mean 

this girl was here when we got here

she wanted us to stand on her

yeah that was like all she could talk about 

“please stand on me”

so don’t worry it’s very normal what we’re doing here

mallory 2

hey guys hey come on in just come right on in i’m so glad you’re here by yourselves just the two of you 

we’re going to have such a good normal time in this cave together 

mallory 3

yeah so just drink out of this cup and then something will happen after that i guess

 

Actually, though, Mallory — you are magic. Guest post ASAP, plz…I’ll send cookies.

Read the rest of her wondrous article, “Normal Moments in Art History with no Murder,” here.

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