Monthly Archives: February 2016

Feb 08 2016
Art

major side eye

simone martini.jpg

Huzzah! The side eye’s been in use since the fourteenth century! Seriously, though, look at Mary! How straight peeved does she look at the angel announcing the Christ child?! (Though, I feel quite similarly re: pregnancy and children). With all this shade being thrown around, it’s really not surprising this is one of the most influential works in Sienese Gothic art.

This painting was done by Simone Martini and his brother-in-law Lippo. Their signatures scream, “HEY, GUYS, WE DID THIS PAINTING IN 1333!” and seem to come from the angel himself. Maybe that’s why Mary’s pissed–fellas always trying to steal her thunder.

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Feb 07 2016
Art

go broncos

coin toss.jpg

God, I love a lanky quarterback.

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Feb 06 2016
Art

not complex

napoleon.jpg

Are we sure Napoleon has Napoleonic complex? The lavish furs, golden laurel, oversize scepter…just put five cocktails and an Eggs Chesapeake in front of this guy and he seems like my next Bumble date. After this work week, my standards are low as hell. No, actually, 5’6″ el-oh-double-u.

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Feb 05 2016
Art

networking

party.jpg

This is actually me at any social function; regally overdressed and ignoring every regular Joe suitor for the sake of eyeing someone taller, more handsome, and undoubtedly more successful. This weekend conference is gonna rule.

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Feb 04 2016
Art

ambassadors

ambassadors.jpg

We’ve really messed up portraiture with the selfie. I’m serious! Jean and Georges pose with things that make them look smart as hell, and all we have now is a bathroom mirror. I mean, in the style of ridiculously successful men in portraiture, they’ve surrounded themselves with books, a case of flutes, and all sorts of scientific tools, including a sundial and a celestial globe. Cool, guys. Real cool. (Please note: I’d rather have Susan Miller’s monthly forecast on my iPhone than SOME ZODIAC BASKETBALL.)

Also, apparently, this misshapen skull isn’t a watermark–instead, it’s some optical illusion that looks totally regular when viewed from the right. So check out the National Gallery in London, and don’t stand in the middle…unless you want? Do you.

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Feb 04 2016
Art

show ’em some leg

caravaggio mount of olives.jpg

I’m spending a lot of time on this Mount-Olive-in-chiaroscuro thing lately, but HELLO, how can I not with this Caravaggio piece? Just look a the leg Peter’s showing while Christ goes off on him sleeping during prayer. I mean, you look like a goddamn Odalisque at this point, Pete! (Have no idea what I’m talking about? Educate yourself: Renoir’s here and Ingres’ NSFW one here. Y’welcome.)

What’s really great about this work is it was in Vincenzo Giustiniani’s collection, which I wrote my thesis about. Basically this guy took every seductive work rejected from the Church during the Council of Trent, and like, held it for safe-keeping (incl. a bunch of naked, alluring, and androgynous-lookin’ angels). Bah ha, way to go, Vince! Makes super sense to have this sultry leg in the collection.

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Feb 03 2016
Art

oh god.

mount of olives.jpg

So, I adore Caravaggio. He’s smoldering, mysterious, and a criminal…nearly everything I look for in a man. So it’s not doubt that when he flees Rome to Naples in the early 1600s, he’s gonna get a bunch of admirers, like Battistello Caracciolo. Caracciolo steals adapts a very similar painting style, seen here in “Christ on the Mount of Olives.”

This narrative is from the Gospel of Matthew, where Christ takes disciples to pray but they fall asleep on him. Oh, right, except Judas, because he’s all about selling out to some Roman soldiers for that money.

Christ looks absolutely miserable; prolly ‘cuz that angel’s telling him not about the crucifixion, but actually because there’s three more days of the work week ahead.

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Feb 02 2016
Art

you say potato, i say…

potato.JPG

So apparently, this image of a gosh darn potato sold for 1.8 MILLION DOLLARS TODAY. Kevin Abosch confirmed that some businessman purchased the photograph (slash call me, plz plz plz).

Maybe what’s more impressive than this being a prime example of conspicuous consumption, is that there are three other copies of the gosh darn thing out in the world. And this guy has taken photographs of a bunch of ridiculous celebrities that are actually significant.

Abosch told the paper about the sale:

“We had two glasses of wine and he said, ‘I really like that’. Two more glasses of wine and he said: ‘I really want that.’

Yeah, dude. I feel that. But the potato I want after two glasses of wine is cut in strips and smothered in garlic cheese sauce.

Feb 02 2016
Art

inspiration

snowdencomputer.jpg

Just to be clear, I was about TWO MINUTES AWAY from appropriating Edward Snowden’s smashed, destroyed computer to be my own from Verizon’s Customer Service. I don’t need any British intelligence to oversee its destruction, though, just my office mate. And like, the dozen doughnuts I’ll inhale from stress eating.

Feb 01 2016
Art

can’t hold a candle.

van gogh chair.jpg

Vincent van Gogh was, like, super famous for writing letters to friends and his brother Theo. (The Vincent van Gogh Letter Project has more than 900 letters either sent or received by van Gogh.)

He once wrote about a fable where a moth is drawn to a candle, only to burn its wings. So he complains like a little baby and flees. The candle then dwindles down to nothing, only to say,

‘You unjustly reproached me, while I loved you in silence. Now I die, adieu, fly to your other loves.’

Van Gogh, of course, compares the candle to a woman, and the moth to a man. He asks his friend, Anthon Rappard:

Viewed thus, men don’t play a very noble role — well, but that is in fact the case.

NO DUH. I mean, hello, you had me at fleeing like a baby when it burns its wings against a very hot predator woman candle. It’s a tough world, lads. But Sweet Jesus if I’ll be that desperate to loving in silence; I’ll just angry text for a day and then ghost.

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